My partner has lost an interest in sex and has trouble maintaining an erection. Is it me?

On February 23, 2010, In relationships, romance, sex, By Stanger

My husband has not had much of a sex drive over the past couple of years. When we do have sex, he has trouble getting and keeping an erection. He also seems depressed ALL the TIME and is tired by 8:00p every night. He is only 36 years old. I know he still loves me but wonder if he is still attracted to me. What do you think?

“Carol”

Lots of women feel that a man’s lack of a sexual desire and/or
erectile problems is a direct reflection upon them. I understand why
women feel responsible, but in most cases, it’s the man. Problems with
erections may stem from stress, side effects from medication,
diabetes, low testosterone to alcoholism and other forms of substance
abuse, and so on. Of course, I am NO doctor! But he might consider
seeing an endocrinologist or a doctor that specializes in anti-aging
and have his testosterone levels checked. Andropause (aka “male
menopause”) occurs between the ages of 35 – 55. Testosterone levels
gradually decline as we age and this can cause problems in the male
body and brain. If this is what it is and he starts taking testosterone as prescribed -look out because you will not be able to get him off of you! Good luck

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My partner is a couch potato, how do I get him to spend more time with me?

On February 20, 2010, In Uncategorized, relationships, romance, By Stanger

I have been married to a great guy for almost 4 years now.
We have a 3 year old Son now who we both adore. He has two businesses and works really hard for our family. The problem is I feel like I want more of his time. When he gets home he wants to make a dent in my couch which I can understand because he’s tired. On the other hand, I want his attention. On the weekends he does quite a bit of volunteer work and occasionally this takes him out of town. Don’t get me wrong, I spend time with my girlfriends and I have a life outside of my husband.

I get lonely for a his company. I want to go do things outside of the house and in the house with him. I don’t want to lay on the couch. I have told him in the past that I need more of his time. I get to the point where I don’t want to ask over and over, I don’t think I should have to feel like I am begging him to spend time with me. Am I being too selfish?

“Deb”

Alright, so 4 years and you still get it that he loves you. That’s great! I think men feel comfortable after marriage -perhaps a bit too comfortable – and I’m talking “couch potato” comfortable. Two jobs?! That really is a lot to endure. I would definitely cut him some slack. I can attest, when we are feeling overworked and tired, we like to lounge and have you near. It just feels good. When you want to spend time with him, maybe you could compromise and suggest eating out and renting a movie or vice versa. Make it work for the both of you. Ask him what he would prefer after working so hard (we love this), yet telling him about your needs as well -sometimes validation is motivation!

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Should you be friends with Ex’s on Facebook?

On February 16, 2010, In Uncategorized, jealousy, relationships, By Stanger

I have a lot of friends on facebook. I am a happily married female
in my 40’s. I have always believed that men and women can be
friends in a platonic, non sexual fashion. Yet I still find it odd
that some people can socialize and can be IRL friends with people
that they had an intimate relationship with, often with their
current spouse fully knowing about the relationship and
participating ie: going out to dinner with an ex and their current
spouse etc… I find this a bit weird but that may just be me.
I am a bit concerned about the fact that I have had previous
relationships with some of my fb friends prior to my marriage. I
just find it a bit unsettling. We (my fb friends) don’t discuss
anything that I wouldn’t want my spouse to see or hear so I am
comfortable with the relationship now but where do you draw the
line? There are stories from when we were young that are definitely
humerous, but may point out the nature of our relationship back
then and could make their spouse or my own upset.
My worst nightmare would be all my previous boyfriends in one room!
Unfortunately fb is kinda one room…
What is your view on this?

“Shelly”

I understand how bizarre it would be to go to dinner with an ex and current; so, you are not alone in thinking it’s weird. I think it is up to the individual couple to decide what is acceptable. I have random people from my past as FB friends -including a few ex-girlfriends so I totally understand what you mean. I don’t want to have dinner and an intimate relationship with my ex’s, nor do I think it’s a good idea when involved with someone, but sometimes I would like to know how they are doing. FB is great for keeping in touch without uncomfortable conversations. Sure, you have the occasional chat box that pops up or the comment on your status, but no harm, no foul. I would just talk to them like your husband was in the room at all times. There really is no reason to bring up all those old stories from the past, unless you are willing to share them with your husband. Would you be okay with your husband doing the same thing with his ex-girlfriends? If it is really unsettling for you, then de-friend them! I say, keep the past in the past and be in the present moment with the one you love. We can thank FB for soothing our curiosity and allowing us to sneak a peek at our ex’s, but I prefer to stay in the present moment.

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Looking for Mr. Right…in all the wrong places?

On February 9, 2010, In dating, relationships, romance, By Stanger

I have finally given up on a long term relationship I was in with my boyfriend….I wanted marriage/kids, he sat on the fence. I find myself lost as to what to do now. The concept of ‘dating’ is so foreign to me. I have a great career, I’m responsible with money, have a home etc. Where does someone in their mid-thirties find a man that has their life together but is also still single?

“Rachel”

Sorry to hear about your break-up. However, it will end up being a good thing! This experience will get you one step closer to your dreams of marriage and children. I think the problems that mature adults encounter when dating are desperation and pickiness. As we age, we start to worry about spending the rest of our lives alone. In addition to that concern, women also contend with the whole biological clock dilemma. Sometimes we tend to latch on to the first decent match that comes along only to discover later that it was no match after all. On the flip side of that, we can become entirely too picky and may miss a great opportunity. We must keep our hearts and minds open to people that don’t necessarily fit the mold that we’ve created in our heads. So you might meet an attractive, nice guy who doesn’t have a great career or a house or a lot of money -would you be open to dating him? As Paul says, money can’t buy you love. Keep an open mind and focus on finding a friend that you connect with on a mental, spiritual and physical level rather than where he is in his life. Now, I’m not suggesting that you date the homeless guy down the road, but really dig deep and focus on the inner attraction rather than assets -the outer attraction. Maybe he will appear right under your nose one day very soon. Give yourself some time to recover from this recent relationship before fully putting yourself out there again. Take time to heal and regroup so you don’t pick the same type of guy or make bad decisions due to a possible state of vulnerability. There is no magic answer regarding where to find Mr. Right; just keep an open mind, listen to the “inner attraction” and first and foremost -know yourself and trust your instincts.

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Should a woman ever pay on the first date?

On February 5, 2010, In dating, By Stanger

On a first date, regardless of who asks whom out, is it okay to assume the man will pay? I don’t want to be one of those girls who “expects” to be treated, but isn’t it customary for the man to pay, especially if he chooses the restaurant? What is the protocol here? What should I do when the check comes? Look away and pretend it’s not there? Offer to pay the tip? Offer to pay for half?

“Lisa”

Well, what’s your instinct? Do you want to pay? Then snatch the check out of my hand and do it! Don’t reach in your purse and slowly search for your wallet -that’s lame. Everyone knows that trick. If I am on a first date, even if a woman asks me out, I plan on paying and there’s no stopping me. This is just gentleman’s code. Before you go out with a guy, make your plan. If you think he should pay, then be bold and don’t do the reach, the look away or offer lip service. Be confident and we will respect you for it. If you ask a man out, then pay without quarreling -it’s sexy and men appreciate the gesture (and we won’t let you do it often). If we want to “be the man and pay” -don’t worry…..we will! It’s just cute to watch you and makes us feel good that you care enough to pick up the tab. So bottom line: Decide what you’ll do when the check comes before your dinner date!

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Why are men dating women half their age?

On February 2, 2010, In dating, relationships, By Stanger

Why does it seem that the older a guy gets, the younger the girls he pursues? This sucks for us late 30s/early 40s girls. Most guys my age are chasing 20-somethings. What the hell?

“Valerie”

Well, as a guy who (in the past) has dated women a lot younger than himself, I have first-hand experience as to why this happens. First, let me say there is a scientific reason for this dilemma. It’s in a man’s DNA to be attracted to younger women simply to carry their offspring. Back in the day, a younger woman was the best choice to mate with in order to ensure a safe and effective pregnancy and to have be a healthy enough mother to care for the child. The other reason is honestly that a lot of women in their mid-30s and on have let themselves go downhill. This is the plain and simple honest truth as looks are very important to most men. Kind of look at it similarly to how women have a tendency to want a man who can provide. I can tell you that there are a lot of women into their 40s that are freaking smoking hot, and these women take care of themselves by working out, eating right and getting sleep. Dating younger women is not all it’s cracked up to be as a connection is often lacking. I much prefer women my own age these days but had to experience dating younger women to really appreciate women my own age. Note: Check out www.courgarlife.com to find men looking to date women like you.

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Does sex on the first date ruin the chances of a long term relationship?

On January 29, 2010, In dating, relationships, romance, sex, By Stanger

This is a highly debated topic amongst me and my friends: if a girl has sex on the first date, does it ruin her chances of being in a serious relationship later on with that same guy? Are women putting too much thought into this? Should we just “go with it” or should we hold out if we want to get serious?

“Deb”

As much as I’d like to say “Yeah, you should have sex on the first date, good idea” (because I am a man, after all), I must be honest and say no, don’t do it. It is true that a lot of guys will lose respect for you and might think “Wow, I wonder if she just gives it up that easy for anyone.” Each situation is different and I’m sure people have had sex on the first date and are married and happy to this day, but there is no reason to rush to sex on the first date no matter how badly you might want to. If I were interested in a woman long-term, I would not expect sex or try to get sex on the first or even second or third date. Sex clouds the judgement and this is why people wake up after a 2-year relationship with someone they can’t stand. If you are worried that he might not ask you out again if you don’t have sex with him, then he is probably not the guy you want for a long-term relationship. I say wait. If he likes you, he will continue to ask you out. If you want a meaningful long-term relationship with a good man, make sure you get to know him first and don’t give up the goods for just anyone.

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I’m a tomboy, how do I get the same treatment as other women?

On January 26, 2010, In dating, relationships, romance, By Stanger

I consider myself a pretty low maintenance girl, mostly because I’m a tomboy who loves sports and isn’t into makeup and shopping. I think guys look at that as me not caring so much about romance or being chased after, etc. How do I hold up standards (i.e. calling back), show that I still want romance and intimacy and respect but not give up being relatively “eh” about things that may bother most girls?

“Lisa”

Wow, this is a tough question because I can see how a guy may think “Oh, shes cool” and not think that he has to chase you. Guys can get pretty confused by this as you may be sending mixed signals. I would advise you not to settle for less and act like it’s okay, just because you want to be “the cool chick” who’s not a girly girl. Let the men you date or spend time with know what you want and expect from the beginning: “Yes, I’m a tomboy, but I still expect to be treated like a woman.” In my opinion though, if a man likes you, he will chase you, but don’t play games just to make him “chase you.” Be yourself and set your expectations early; if he does not comply then move on because he obviously is not that into you. Just make sure you play straight on your side of the street as we tend to attract what we put out.

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Should couples spice it up at the local strip club?

On January 22, 2010, In relationships, sex, By Stanger

Should men and women go to strip clubs together? Why or why not?

Elaine

If that’s what you two are into, I say why not?! Maybe you want to try something different to get the sparks flying again. Going to a strip club is not for everyone, and the decision should be a mutual one. However, I like the idea of two people in a relationship who are friends and can go out and be bold together if they want to. Have fun and live; do what turns you on and makes you happy!

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How do men really feel about an independent woman?

On January 19, 2010, In relationships, By Stanger

How do men really feel about an independent woman? Do they appreciate it and find it attractive or not?
My ex always accused me of not caring. I did care and I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t NEED to be with him.

Robin

I think most secure, emotionally mature men appreciate an independent woman. Clingy is not attractive! However, it is nice to feel needed on an emotional level. Nobody needs another to survive; however, I believe we all need love to make us feel whole. When we truly love our partner, it’s good to show them through words and actions that we care and want them in our life. I think we all need this and it enhances any connection. You can still be independent while conveying your feelings of love and respect towards your partner. I think a happy balance between the two can be self-fulfilling and nurturing to your relationship at the same time.

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